Barking spiders

The little gnome opened the door. He had two bowls in his hand. One with last nights stew and another with water.

He was greeted by a hoard of little creatures. All of them jumping up and down clambering for his attention, or was it the food?

Aww he knew this venture was a gold mine. Why the humans all kept talking about these little creatures.

Why not breed them and sell them. He asked his gnome wife.

Who is going to want barking spiders? Was her only reply.

She did not stay the smell was too much for her.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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The demise of Nathan

Nathan knew the light was up to something. He could tell by the way it turned red.

There it was, red, and staring at him mockingly. “Ha, there you are in your car with the windows rolled down, and no AC, breathing the carcinogenic exhaust of the other foul humans.”

Nathan lost control and jammed his horn, and the switch got stuck.

The felonious tow truck drive in front of him did not like the fact that his wife was a whore AND that Nathan’s horn blaring behind him.

The tow truck driver grabbed his .38 to fix one problem.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

On gossamer wings

On angels’ wings the beast from light years away arrived just as the great minds of the world said it would.

The fire and light from the heavens would have been a spectacular sight had it not been heralding the imminent destruction of mankind. Yes just the destruction of man, for the earth shall endure.

Everyone stopped and watched, either live or simulcast on the inventions of man, the wings that brought the end.

The religious prayed and asked for forgiveness. The evil began to pray too, but the rock just kept coming.

The humans wept and it was over.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

The traffic light went on strike

The traffic light blinked red then green then yellow every 6 min.

The light knew how important it was. Without the light total chaos would ensue. The light knew it kept the tide of insanity at bay.

The light wanted more freedom and to be MORE in control. So the light went on strike when it turned red.

Instantly negotiations started.

Everyone knew it could go to blinking red until an agreement was reached.

Concessions started and in 3 min. the light was given .912358 seconds leeway in its cycle.

Celebrating victory the light stayed red for .912308 seconds longer.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Pamela Anderson rolled out of bed.

Pamela Anderson rolled out of bed. Her red camisole with the lacy bust desired-lingerie.com reference 4855/4855X slid down over her hips.

She padded barefoot into the bathroom.

She dragged the brush though her hair and then cleaned the brush of some the loose hair. She dropped the angelic golden hair on the counter and called it fans.

She grabbed her toothbrush and brushed her teeth filling her mouth with paste foam. She spit and called it boyfriends.

She then sat on the commode to relieve herself of waste. What she flushed down she called lawyers, agents and internet porn freaks.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins rolled his five two frame out of bed. He put on his slippers and shuffled into the bathroom.
He took the cap off the meticulously folded and rolled tube and squirted some paste on the wet bristles. He scrubbed in a circular motion on each tooth. Then he scrubbed his tongue. He gagged, but he finished. Looking in the mirror he ran his tongue over his front teeth and smiled his money smile and then he opened and closed his mouth making a smacking sound. “I hate the film that ball gag leaves on my tongue.” He thought

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

You gonna let’em call you that?

“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.
The guy behind me said. “Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog’s ass. Don’t let him call you that?”
He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody “buddy” that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.
I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Bullies in History.

They were all gonna be pissed and Artimetis knew it. But he didn’t care. He charged down the mountain. He had discovered that the earth was NOT the center of the universe and he could prove it.
He could prove Copernican theory of the universe against the dominant earth-centered Ptolemaic and Aristotelian theories. In his notebook were verified charts of celestial movements from his telescope.
At the bottom of the mountain was that bully Galileo. “Gimme your money Fartimetis.” “I don’t have any.” “Then I will hold this until you do.” “Hey!” And Galileo snatched the notebook from Artimetis’ hands.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

You had me at hello

She walked into the arcade with sausages attached to her.
Sundae was bulging from her hip pockets when she turned to shut the shop door.
Droe wors draped aorund her neck in a spiral orgy of meat, spices and animal fat.
On her shoulders, in her blonde matted treses were brats, “Those are not synthetic casings.” He thought. Dry salamies on her chest, the lactobacillus yeasts intertwining into the delecate fabric of her blouse making it look lacie and delicate. The grease of the peperoni making her middriff visable.
Ground pork extruded from her 5″ pumps with every step.
“Hello”

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Eat the dog

The chant was so unison it was almost one voice.
It was his first band camp.
He wanted to make new alliances, this was to be his year, he was going to be the man, he was going to get a girlfriend AND kiss her.
And then his parents sent him to this camp.
Now he’s in the circle, with the whole camp chanting and watching him.
What’s this going to accomplish?
It’s a team building exercise. Now you will share in their strength and share a bond that can not be broken.
Now it’s simple, just Eat The Dog

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

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With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..